Since the start of the recent Mercury retrograde I experienced stronger retrograde symptoms than I usually do. Then on the night of the 1st when retrograde was over I had a very unusual series of dreams that ended in a personal attack that left me quite effected for the rest of the day. The same thing happened the following night with a different dream and different personal attack. Then today I walked in on some people I trust having a negative conversation about me.
In summary I feel that the energy around me for the last month has become increasingly chaotic and since the end of retrograde I feel very insecure and as though my flaws are being shoved in my face. This is very different from the energy I am used to having around me. Also coming full circle to the meditation practice. I tried to meditate today and it nearly gave me an anxiety attack.
Do you have any information or advice that could help me? Once again I don’t know what I am hoping for with this but I feel like I need to reach out and ask enlightened people for help with this feeling.
I personally felt like the ending of this retrograde was all about emotions and empathy. It was looking into ourvulnerablites and heart center, there was a lot of self-worth issues that surfaced. So I believe this opening was about creating more space within the heart center by being more present in our awareness. This is probably why you had such a strong and chaotic experience at the end of retrograde. Our dreams can direct our waking life in the most bizarre ways sometimes. They can be symbols of warning within our waking life. little subconscious triggers.Basically the Universe is getting you in touch with your insecurities and trying to overcome them. Meditation should not give you an anxiety attack, it should be doing the opposite. I would work on grounding before you meditate next time. Grounding is a huge component to meditation because if you don’t have anchoring roots how is your energy going to be stable? It’s not, which is what can produce anxiety. Also what can produce anxiety is the fear of future. When we meditate we get in touch with our inner mind, sometimes it isn’t always pleasant but what you do is you have to accept the ego as a part of you as if it is a shell you are merely breaking to get into your soul essence. Questioning the ego is a very powerful and transformative way to understanding yourself. Why did the anxiety come up? Were you thinking too much? Did you feel something too much? was it because your body was buzzing and tingling with energy? These are all questions to ask yourself. Meditation is about finding our inner silence within ourselves. To direct ourselves there you need to crumble the shell of the ego by letting go of these anxieties that no longer serve you. Realize you are always the one in control of your thoughts and emotions. Anxiety can be controlled but first you have to push yourself past anxiety.
When we push ourselves past our ego, you will find inner peace just waiting for you. It’s harder than it sounds but it can happen. Weed taught me a lot about my anxiety habits and how we need to not feed on them but instead accept them and move on, does anxiety serve us any good? no. So then you release it, find a way to move past the resistance this is the only way to defeat your anxiety. Move from thoughts from anxiety to a calm, centered you. It takes practice and being a bit more conscious of your mind/thoughts but you can get here.
Our fears need to be teachers rather than slaves to us. The more you drag the fear, the stronger it becomes. When we decide that we are stronger than our fears, you start to see how the Fear is merely a teacher showing you how to be more courageous, more strong and full of endurance. Ego is not the problem at all, it is our mind that is the problem and the choices of how we feed the emotion. Go past the resistance to fully let go of these insecurities. Start small and slowly day by day you will be like “anxiety? pshh i got this” 🙂
hope this helps
Sending love and healing to you <3
p.s. it was just 11:11 here, must mean something good 🙂