My family recently removed me from my home(I’m 17) claiming that they didn’t love me or want me around. I’ve had a very difficult life filled with phisical, mental, and sexual abuse and abusers. I’m trying to make a connection, because even though my circumstances are somber I still try as hard as I can to be a good person and help others, but I just don’t know what I could have done to screw my karma this bad. I’ve been mystic/spiritual since I stopped my Catholic faith around age 12.
I am very sorry for your rough past but one thing i have learned throughout my journey is that blame and judgment will get you no where, you cannot change the past but you can learn from it. Whether or not you like it, those things happened for a reason and for your own spiritual growth to happen. Of course no one deserves that type of fate at all but when you place the blame on karma and judgment of others regardless of how awful and tramatic the experience was, you are not accepting it. You are stuck in the past. We have to learn from our experiences, even the most dark and awful ones are used to help us channel our inner darkness into the light.
You have to practice the concept of self-acceptance. When we place blame on others, we ask the universe why must they torture us in this way, why me, why is this happening to me, i’m a good person, Why can’t i get over this, why am i stuck, how did my karma get this awful, why can’t i find direction, why was i abused, etc. You are not being punished, don’t ever think or feel that way ever. We start to channel this inner hate that we can’t fully express so it builds and builds becoming this ball of excess energy inside of you. You have to accept what happened, you have to realize that whatever happened it was for your own growth and experience, you have to accept that the abuse was probably linked through their own projections of self-hatred, abuse when they were also in childhood, their own inner issues are being projected out on you. I’m sorry your family treated you in this way but what have you learned since then? Do not blame this on yourself nor judge but accept. accept that you are here today, stronger than ever and THAT is what is truly important because we all suffer through some type of pain or self-deprecating behavior throughout our lives but it is until you acknowledge that, accept what happened, release the blame, guilt, fear, judgment, anger, all of it. just let it go and then you will help transcend your egoic thoughts into soul again.
Many of us who have taken various paths to enlightenment have found ourselves having to investigate our Western culture and our families as part of our quest. It is not always an easy passage. As we mature it can be humbling—and healing—to accept that we may not be able to change the programming we received in our families, even though we’re aware of it. As well, too much analysis of our past can result in our feeling flawed. This is because the ego attaches itself to negative experiences of the past (bad parenting, schooling, etc.) to justify the avoidance of relationship in the present. A challenge arises: Can we skillfully investigate our psychological roots without ending up feeling defective?
We can…if we take one small step beyond the ego and sense that, in the moment, life feels remarkably sane, integrated, and whole. We can come to understand that there is a basic goodness to life, a kind of fundamental perfection at the heart of everything. Traumatic childhoods, messy relationships, bad teachers, suffering and pain, all fit into a fundamental—if inexplicable—pattern. When we view our family history from this wider perspective, there is nobody to blame, not even bad parents.
There is a remarkable passage in the spiritual classicI Am That, when the sage, Nisaragadatta Maharaj, says in a dialogue with a student:
For anything to happen, the entire universe must coincide. It is wrong to believe that anything in particular can cause an event.
Every cause is universal. Your very body would not exist without the entire universe contributing to its creation and survival.
How does this relate to our childhood? What happened in the past, happened because it had to happen. When we remove blame and judgment from our life equation, we remove the thought that we—or anybody—are fundamentally flawed. From the ego-transcended view of our essence and the Beloved, everything simply is as it is, free of judgment and fear. This does not mean that we avoid looking at difficult issues that might arise. It is not an excuse to remain blind. A superficial understanding of basic goodness can be used to justify denial and passive or negative behavior, and to avoid facing the full impact of painful events. The intent here is just the opposite. Accepting the idea of basic goodness allows us to investigate our conditioning free from the sense of wrongdoing and blame. It provides a neutral context to evaluate our pasts without reinforcing the already tenacious emotional attachment to our personal story.
In the journey inward many discover that a wound, once fully welcomed, becomes a doorway out of the ego and into the heart, a way into the recognition of our intrinsic wholeness. Viewing our lives from this perspective, nothing is out of place. We realize that without the wounding we would not have gained our present understanding. Gratitude replaces the sense of being flawed. Acceptance replaces judgment and the need for punishment.
I thought this was a good passage to end on
I wish you much happiness and love your way
healing light <3